Alex Stone and me (the host) try our hand at video.
We have struggled with co-consciousness today. Normally, we do well together, but today it has been strange, awkward, and uncomfortable. This video continues that trend.
khypheneight replied to your post “I wish I didn’t feel so old. It’s not even that I feel “old”. I feel…”
I feel you; losing time and hidden memories doesn’t help either <3 But just think of all of the years still left in us! We got dis! :D
Thank you. :) You’re always so sweet and encouraging. Here’s to the next 25 years, 50 years, how ever many I have left.
I wish I didn’t feel so old. It’s not even that I feel “old”. I feel like so much of my life has already been wasted.
When you’re abused as a child, so many of your thought patterns and beliefs center around what happened to you. When you’re a kid being terribly mistreated, and you don’t know what it’s called, but you know that it’s not okay, and you wish that you could tell, but you don’t think anyone will listen; that forms your beliefs about yourself. You endure things a child should not have to endure, and you adjust to it in a strange way. You can’t change the situation, so your mind hardens and becomes cruel to itself in an attempt to toughen itself up.
You think that people must know what’s happening to you, because to you it feels like you’re screaming what’s happening. You’re so consumed by it and drowning in it that it feels physical and it’s hard to understand that people cannot actually see that. When those people don’t do anything, you start to realize that no one is coming to save you. The world seems colder and crueler all the time.
So you start telling yourself to toughen up and get over it. Even after the abuse has ended you’re still telling yourself that you deserved it, that it wasn’t that bad, that you don’t get to call it abuse. You don’t get to fall apart, because no one’s coming to save you, remember?
Because in the memories, you’re always staring at the abuser. Think about it. You’re always seeing them, you’re always seeing the people who didn’t notice. You’re always seeing the people who possibly noticed but said nothing. You never think of turning and looking at yourself.
Freeze the moment. Can you see yourself? Do you remember how long your hair was at the time? How tall were you? What were you doing with your hands? What was your expression? Can you see the look you had in your eyes? These moments built up into the whole world feeling frozen over, but can you just look at what it is? There’s a child in front of you and they aren’t okay. All of those things you still say to yourself, that it wasn’t abuse, that it didn’t matter, that it was just life, that you have to get over it, can you say that to the child?
The world does seem impossibly cruel sometimes. That feeling still comes up. But there is some guaranteed compassion available to you at every moment. Your own. At every memory and every pain, you have the option of sitting next to that child and hugging them and telling them they don’t deserve any of this. It felt necessary to scold and berate yourself because in that environment it was necessary to be tough. You’re allowed to be kind now.
That kid’s been waiting ages for some kindness
Holy crap, this is good. And it’s something my therapist is trying to get me to see. Thank you for writing this findingmyrecovery
Tw: cursing, shaming, talk of sex.
Sexual Orientation: TBA
Function within the system: Major conflict, can put the system on lockdown, etc. Basically, I handle large scale problems.
Appearance: Dark red hair about to the shoulderblades, kept in a ponytail. Bright blue eyes, somewhat pale skin. Usually I wear a black button-up shirt.
Hobbies/interests: I have to watch a shit-ton of movies with another alter, because he adores them. I’ve yet to find any hobbies that stuck with me, because I’m still learning how to socialize properly with my host’s age group, and that takes a lot of my time.
Dislikes: Assholes, another alter named Ace who is always picking a fight with me, host’s parents, host’s two exes
Favorite music: AWOLNATION and Sick Puppies (That’s a legitimate band name)
Other interesting facts: According to Ace, who has uncanny intuition about everyone, says I’m a demon by birth; half incubus, half something else.
Something that happens often when this person fronts: Lots of complaining. I’m the type that gets pissed off easily, and I end up ranting about it to my host’s friends without completely meaning to.
Nice to meet you, Harper. You intrigue me. I don’t mean that in a “scientific experiment” kind of way, but out of curiosity in how you deal with conflict and what causes you to shut the system down, so to speak. I will say my curiosity is greatly rooted in the fact that I have an alter who sort of does the same thing. He puts the system on “lockdown”, but I struggle to understand him (or even talk to him), so your experience might help me understand him. Even if it doesn’t though, I’d be interested in hearing any other thoughts you might share on the topic.
Also, what does it mean to be part incubus and part-something else? How does that tie into being a demon? Excuse my ignorance. Every alter forms for a reason in the body that they have. Whether human or not, old or young, male or female, there is a reason that they were created that way. And I find non-human alters to be fascinating if only because it gives insight into the system’s needs. Again, no “Science experiment” interest here. Just curious about the inner workings and psychology of why alters are born that way.
being in a different mood does not mean you have dissociative identity disorder
sorry about that
Not sure what to do. I feel this ever-present fear or lingering sense of doom. Alex is nowhere near the front. I feel vulnerable. I’m at university right now. I keep trying to ignore it but the discomfort grows louder. What are they looking for? I don’t know. Everything is blurry on the inside. My mind is blurry.
Name: Jessica Thompson (Jess)
Sexual orientation: staight
Function within the system: life at home, family
Appearance: long dark brown hair slightly wavy, 5ft:5 dark green eyes skinny
Hobbies/ interests: nothing interesting… Needs to please the family, likes going out for meals, shopping,
Dislikes: negativity, awkward/ uncomfortable situations, serious talks with parents, disappointing mum
Favourite music: no preference, well known pop songs to sing along to
Other interesting facts: quite similar to a couple of us but with different points of view on friendship and problems.
Something that happens often when this person fronts: no-body usually knows when she is out as she is good at hiding and pretending to be another one of us. She will often seek help and tries to do the more “grown up” thing in a situation.
Oh my gosh! My childhood best friend was named Jessica Thompson! :) So cool.
Every system needs that member who gets business going as usual and who can make the best choices, even if they are a bit of a people pleaser (much to the chagrin of other headmates, sometimes). It’s good that you have identified her.
Oh, look, it’s a metaphor!
Darkness and light coexist. The storm comes, but you can still see the light.
To escape what’s tormenting me on the inside, I destroy what is on the outside.
My idea to hold “system meetings” in a notebook for everyone to contribute their thoughts in chatroom-style has been off to a rough start. But I think this one finally broke some ground.
This meeting is on the heels of Alex acting out at work and pushing a coworker several times. I was eventually fired.