Queen Dopamine

DID system host Jessica talking about mental health, trauma, and the various challenges and realities of healing.

Just when I think I have the system “figured out”, something happens that proves me wrong. I think there’s some teenager version of Alex? That stayed stuck as a teenager when the “real” Alex aged up to his 30s and then 40s. I thought it was just Daunte, the demon-esque teenager who is very destructive; but the teenager that reminds me of Alex keeps showing up in the headspace and trying to front. He’s exactly like 17-year-old Alex. Sarcastic, mischievous, loves grunge and punk, total smart ass. Weird. I wonder though if my perception of Daunte as being a smug, hateful, anti-social asshole is just someone from within trying to retro fit my memory so that I don’t blame Alex, teenager or adult, for Daunte’s destructive bullshit.



I had an ex-nursing student, who did one psych rotation, tell me that it wasn’t possible for me to have “multiple personalities” because if I really did, I wouldn’t be able to say I had them.


This happened to me with some moron on the bus once. He tried to tell me that “people who have multiple personalities don’t know that they do.” And he said it right in front of me AND someone whose mother also has DID. and we both just looked at him like the above gif.

hahaha!! Wow. It just shows you that even in the fucking medical field, people can be morons. I mean, my friend had done one psychiatric rotation, and this idiot on the bus probably read one psychology book once, and they think they know it all. It’s so obnoxious.

Asker fragmentedx Asks:
Hey Jessica I know what you mean by alters doing crazy shit. Just recently I met a new alter of mine name Ren we were on vacation at a hotel and I switched. Ren is actually a maid on the inside and proceeded to go into someone's hotel suite to clean. A man walked in very confused and I switched back. I dropped everything and was like oh sorry wrong room! Feel free to post this it was so awkward but also pretty funny c:
queendopamine queendopamine Said:

Lol!!! Oh my GOSH. That’s awesome and funny, but at the same time, I feel you on how embarrassing or awkward it can be.

I am simply too tired to even think of what it is that’s bothering me or frustrating me right now with them. I think I know them sometimes or know what’s up, then things will happen and I’m not so sure.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about now. It all seems so fuzzy and distant. Thanks for sharing your story; I like hearing other people’s situations and encounters. :)

I swear I don’t fucking know why my alters do shit. What the hell is going on. I don’t know them at all.

I had an ex-nursing student, who did one psych rotation, tell me that it wasn’t possible for me to have “multiple personalities” because if I really did, I wouldn’t be able to say I had them.

Dissociation going, “haha oh okay, you wanted to actually remember that important event on your schedule? Nah.”

Asker Anonymous Asks:
I'm confused about something with DID. I have put on personas,but they were always me. I was always aware of it. It was never like blacking out and becoming someone else,even though the persona was as real as anything else to me. I would dress like the persona,dye my hair to match. I would adopt any personality that made me feel powerful. If the persona was sexual,I would be promiscuous. If the persona was innocent,I would act virginal. Is that consistent with DID symptoms?
queendopamine queendopamine Said:

Many people with DID don’t experience full-on black outs or amnesia episodes. And no two systems will be totally alike, even if they both have DID! Of course, the diagnostic criteria for dissociative identity disorder does (vaguely) address time-loss. However, time-loss can happen in a variety of ways (not just lack of awareness that you switched). Some of us just have extreme forgetfulness or spaced out moments where we lose track of time in a big way. It doesn’t have to just be about not remembering a switch or blacking out completely. Also, DDNOS is a dissociative disorder that covers DID patients who might have alters, but don’t experience typical time-loss (the actual definition is more broad than that, but it would cover this type of instance).

For those of us that don’t experience textbook time loss the way many DID systems do, we can “feel” these other persons take over. We don’t feel “in control” all the time. We feel like a new and different person. At times, we feel like we ARE that person. Until that person is gone, then we feel that it is possible to have more than one identity share a body. I get a little tripped up when I try to explain it. But this phenomenon you experience could partially be explained by being co-conscious with that alter, or perhaps the alter shares very closely their experience with you. It could also be that the alter is not a full split off the main personality, meaning that there are some differences, enough to warrant a second identity, but not completely so that there is a huge divide in consciousness. 

I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I’m pretty tired! I’m no expert on DID, but I have researched it a lot using clinical sources, books, and my own therapy as a guide.

These are my opinions and perspectives on what you’re experiencing, but it’s very possible that I overexplained some parts and underexplained others. Feel free to message me again, if you’d like. :)

If any followers have anything to add, please respond to this post or reblog!

Asker Anonymous Asks:
I'm so glad I found your blog. Your experiences sound a lot like mine,and I'm not used to seeing that.
queendopamine queendopamine Said:

I hear you! That is such a valuable thing to have. I used to be in the [Tumblr] DID community last year under the same username, but I had a bad experience. After learning more about DID, starting therapy, and making some good, stable friendships with other systems though, I realized that my story and my experience are valid and worth sharing. Thankfully, many people have related to it! I’m so glad. Because not everyone is the same and some of the popular systems in Tumblr are very different from mine, which made me have a lot of self-doubt at first. 

If you ever want to share your story or talk about things in depth or just vent about your alters (sometimes it’s just nice to talk about them or let them out to talk to someone), I’m always here for that. :)

So glad you found relatable posts!

I think that one reason the child alter does not communicate with me more is because she thinks I reject her and even dislike her. In reality, I feel I have failed her. I feel a tragic, agonizing sense of pain because I could not save her from harm. I couldn’t do anything. Then again, I only exist because no one saved her from harm. Yet it still fills me with guilt. And that must be because the child feels guilt. She feels bad, defective, dirty, which affects the whole system. No child should feel the way she does. Maybe I couldn’t save her then, but I could save her now.

I want to scrub your memory from my brain. I want to scream until it doesn’t hurt. I want to say your name without choking on the words. I want you to not matter, just the way I don’t matter to you. We’ve been playing this game for too long, but I don’t know the rules.
my thoughts on you

I get weirdly possessive when I see that another system has an alter with the same name as one of mine. Like, how stupid is that.

Many addicts will be willing to make the changes necessary to maintain a sober life when they experience recovery not as deprivation but as full living which includes a sense of wellbeing undoubtedly deeper, more subtle and less intense than the high of sexual acting-out but without negative, devastating consequences.

And really, for all addictions. 

Asker Anonymous Asks:
I wanted to ask Rage something about non-human alters. I've seen your answer about non-human alters, their purpose, and their formation, but what about "evil" non-human alters? Like, for instance, a demon. I've come to realize that one of my alters is the projection of a demon. I don't think I'm possessed, but this alter has the form of a demon. He's malicious, spiteful, and evil. He does harm and then laughs about it. He's not doing it out of hurt, it seems; he's just an evil demon.
queendopamine queendopamine Said:


My question is why would he exist in my system? What could possibly be his purpose? or rather, what could I do to make him go away? He’s not like a typical persecutor who hurts and lashes out because he/she is hurt. He’s just plain evil. I don’t really know why he is there, but more than anything, I want him to go away. I don’t feel he deserves to be “appeased” and taken care of like normal alters because he doesn’t feel normal. :/

I’ve seen two main possible sources for demonic alters. The first is religious abuse, but the second is feelings that are typically associated with demons. For example, if the alter was split to hold hatred or to be a persecutor or protector willing to go to extremes, they might identify with and present as a demon because it explains their nature or reinforces the aspects of their nature that are necessary for their job. Like all other alters, demonic alters are there for a reason and have a purpose to fulfill. They’ve probably taken trauma on the system’s behalf or hold feelings that the rest of the system can’t stand to acknowledge. Like other alters, they’re not evil, just trying to make the best of their situation in ways that are no longer productive. Like other alters, the best way to improve their behavior is to earn their trust and help them. Your alter might feel evil, and you’re reacting to that by viewing them as evil. It’s very likely that your alter can sense this, and it might encourage them to continue acting as they are or even worsen their behavior to fit your expectations, because it doesn’t seem to matter how poorly they act if your reaction will always be the same, or because it proves that their behavior is successful at scaring off others or keeping you from getting close to their trauma and forbidden feelings.

It will be hard to accept your alter and learn to view them in a more positive manner. It might take a while for their behavior to improve, and it is possible that they’ll try to take advantage of your or try harder to scare you off in the mean time. However, the best way to stop this alter from hurting you or others is to encourage them to work with you and prove that you’re willing to support them. Try to open dialogue with them and learn more about them and why they do what they do. Find activities that they might enjoy that don’t give them the chance to be destructive but might allow them to work out some of their aggression. See if anyone would be willing to talk to them without being bothered by the things that they might say. Ask them if there’s anything that you can do or get for them. Alters can’t go away; they can only be locked up, integrated, or accepted. Locking up an alter is locking up part of your own mind for refusing to be what you want it to be, and that’s not healthy! Integration requires a high level of acceptance and understanding as well as processing the reasons that the alter is the way that it is. Acceptance might be difficult, but it really is the best option in the long run.

I wish you the best of luck.


Awesome response to a tricky question. Rage is one of my favorite bloggers in the DID community. Always a good answer.